Time-In Techniques That Support Children’s Social & Emotional Needs

Janae B. Weinhold Time-in techniques support children’s social and emotional needs when they become upset or are misbehaving. Children really need support from caring adults in order to become calm and quiet. Children who are hitting, crying, withdrawing, bullying, and being oppositional or defiant are really crying out for help from adults. The most important thing for adults to remember in these situations is that emotionally upset children have some problem that they are not able to resolve themselves and that they need adults to both help them identify the problem and to help them fix it. In this context, the idea of punishment is not a useful or helpful place from which to begin. A more effective approach begins with an attitude of how can I help this child. The first step in helping a young child return to an internal state of balance and harmony is helping them reconnect with a trusted adult caregiver who can meet their social and emotional needs, which helps them feel safe. An effective way to reestablish this connection known as time-in places children physically on or by an adult’s body for a period of time to help the child relax so that they can quiet themselves. The following charts describe several varieties of time-in that can be used with young children.

LAP TIME-IN: AGES 1-3

Works best for: Children who are hitting, biting, throwing toys or who are too upset to follow directions.

Adapted from: Kathleen Gray, child development specialist at the University of California – Davis

How to do it:

1. Ask the child to stop the problem behavior. If this does not work, then gently restrain the child.
2. If this does not work, then pick up the child and walk away from the scene. Sit down in a quiet place and hold the toddler on your lap. Say, You seem upset. Let me help you quiet yourself.
3. Become an ally to the child. Talk about what just happened, indicating that you understand the circumstances surrounding the child’s behavior.
4. Describe your limits regarding the problem behavior and stress the standard you will maintain on it. (Children are not allowed to hit each other here. If you hit, I will stop you and you will sit on my lap until you can stop hitting.

Do’s and don’ts:

1. Always make eye contact with the child.
2. Speak firmly, calmly and kindly to establish your authority.
3. Avoid grabbing, jerking and other forms of physical disrespect when physically engaging a child.
4. If child refuses to stay on your lap for a short time, indicate via a firm touch and a firm voice that You may not get up yet because you are still upset and not ready to play with other children. You need to sit on my lap until you can quiet yourself.

SIT IN A CHAIR TIME-IN: AGES 2 1/2-6

Works best for: Children who need more discipline and structure.

Adapted from: Donna Corwin, Beverly Hills, CA author and mother.

How to do it:

1. Pull a chair close to you and have the child sit in it so that she is looking at a blank wall.
2. Tell her what rule she has broken and that she must sit quietly in this chair for a specified number of minutes. Use one minute per year of age. During this time, she is to think about why she broke the rule and that this time-in is to help her remember to keep this rule in the future.
3. Set a time for the specified amount of time.
4. When the timer rings, ask her to repeat the rule and what she will do differently in the future.

Do’s and don’ts:

1. Use the same chair and place in the room each time.
2. Using the timer indicates your seriousness about the rule.
3. If she refuses to stay in her chair, firmly reseat her and hold her there if necessary.
4. Avoid showing anger by raising your voice. Be calm and firm.
5. Do not talk about her misbehavior with your spouse or colleague if your child is within earshot. This is considered shaming and public humiliation.

REFLECTIVE TIME-IN: AGES 3-6

Works best for: Children who wont follow directions, who wander off, leave a group activity, act up while eating.

Adapted from: William Sears, pediatrician in San Clemente, CA and father of eight children.

How to do it:

1. When child misbehaves, walk with her to a couch or to adjacent chairs. Make sure this spot has no distractions such as a television or games. Sit down with the child.
2. Ask her if she knows what rule she broke. Inform her if she doesnt.
3. Tell her you want her to sit and think about her actions. Set a specific time for this period of reflection, allowing one minute for each year of age.
4. Set a timer or watch a clock for this period.
5. At the end of the time period, ask her to restate the rule. When she can do this, she is allowed up.

Do’s and don’ts:

1. Once a child can identify the role she has broken, do not belabor the point.
2. The goal is to get the child to internalize the rule and to develop a conscience.
3. Repeated lectures and belaboring the point can make children deaf.

NO TIME LIMIT TIME-IN: AGES 2-10

Works best for: Children who demonstrate some degree of self-discipline and self-management. It teaches children how to learn self-control rather than having the adults be policemen.

Adapted from: Charlotte Petersen, child psychologist in Eugene, Oregon.

How to do it:

1. Have a place where a child can sit in a neutral environment that is either with or by you. There should be no toys or other things to play with.
2. When child engages in unacceptable behavior (throwing toys around in anger), clearly state what you want him to do. (I want you to pick up all these toys now.) and give one warning: (If you dont pick them up, you will need to sit by me in the time-in seat.
3. Once the child is seated in the time-in seat, say You will need to sit here by me until you are ready to . . .

Do’s and don’ts:

1. With this form of time-in, never say to the child, Okay, you can get up now.
2. Allow the child a period of time to sit quietly.
3. If the child leaves the seat, simply ask Are you ready to . . .
4. If the child says no, then say, Oops. You arent allowed to get up until you are ready to . . . . You can get up whenever you are ready to do…

TALK IT OUT TIME-IN: AGES 2-10

Works best for: Children who are well-bonded to their adult caregivers, sensitive, highly verbal and who find compromise easy.

Adapted from: Colin Green, New York city author and father of three.

How to do it:

1. After an infringement between adult and child such as rudeness or thoughtlessness, say Let’s go for a walk and talk about it. 2. Hugging, talking and removing physical distance between you will get your point across much better about the importance you place on your relationship with her than punishment that causes an emotional disconnect.

Do’s and don’ts:

1. When your child is having a difficult time, what she needs is more contact with you rather than isolation.
2. Taking time to discuss relationship conflicts and problems in private improves your child’s responsive-ness. It also tells her that your love is constant.

COOLING OFF TIME-IN: AGES 3-6

Works best for: Children and adult caregivers who need time to cool off following rowdy, disruptive behavior.

Adapted from: Evonne Weinhaus, family counselor in St. Louis and mother of three.

How to do it:

1. When your child misbehaves, say, I can see that you are out of control. Please come and sit by me until you can get quiet.
2. Let her decide how long she needs to become quiet. OR
3. If the adult is out of control, say I am getting out of control and I need a time-in. I am going to sit quietly with myself until I can get quiet. I dont want to say something that I dont mean and hurt someone. I will talk to you again after I get myself quiet.

Do’s and don’ts:

1. When the time-in is over, avoid a big dramatic scene involving joyful embraces and hugs. This can be seen as a payoff for misbehaving and attention-getting.

CREATIVE PLAY TIME-IN: AGES 5-10 YEARS+

Works best for: Children, particularly boys, who are more able to think things out while engaging in other activities.

Adapted from: Robin Scott Walker, a child and family counselor from Woodland Hills, California.

How to do it:

1. Use manipulative activities such as crafts, paints, artwork or building with Legos to help the child express his feelings. Have the child do these activities in proximity of an adult.
2. When it is clear that the child has had time to do something constructive with his energy, sit with him and talk with him about what he has made. Ask him to tell you a story about the picture or Lego structure.
3. Use the story as a way of helping the child process his feelings and to reflect on his behavior in the problem caused by the time out.

Do’s and don’ts:

1. This technique works well for distracting, disruptive behavior such as squabbling and bickering with other children.
2. This is not an appropriate activity for serious problems such as scribbling on the living room walls. For this kind of infraction, hand your child a sponge and bucket and have him clean up the mess.
3. Avoid using TV and video games.
4. Do not give the child other kinds of distracting activities such as eating and/or drinking.

To download a four-page PDF file describing age-appropriate Time-In techniques to use with children, click here.