The secret of Divine Relationships is synching our conscious mind with our unconscious mind. When these two minds are out of synch, the unconscious mind takes over. Rather than experiencing our divinity in relationships, we are controlled by trauma from the past and disconnected from those closest to us. The unconscious mind holds your wants, feelings, and beliefs about ourselves, others and about the world around you. This information, a relational template or module, is known as the Internal Working Model (IMR) of reality. It operates as a kind of “lens” through which we look, and organizes our life experiences.
Our Deep Commitment to Mutual Healing
For the past 28+ years we have been creating what we call a “divine relationship.” We’ve committed to walk together on a path that heals both our hearts, and opens each to the experience of the Divine. As we’ve been walking this path together, it has activated layers of unmet developmental needs and wounds stemming from developmental traumas from the first three years of our lives. Our commitment to healing these wounds and meeting these needs in our LOVE-atory became a central focus of our relationship. It has served as a cohesive force that helped us through many challenging situations. We were able to navigate our way through these challenges by using the forces of compassion and unconditional love–for each other and ourselves. Resolving our relationship conflicts opened us to both higher consciousness and deeper intimacy with each other and with ourselves. What we learned is that the deeper we went in our healing work, the more we were able to expand our consciousness. Our experiences helped us identify the real secret to divine relationships. The popular books about the Law of Attraction say that we can use the it to draw to us what we want. What this approach totally misses is that what we try to attract with our conscious mind is often cancelled out by what is hidden in our unconscious mind.
The Power of the Unconscious Mind
Biologist, Bruce Lipton, in his book, The Biology of Belief, offers an explanation for this. He found that the conscious mind processes thoughts, feelings and beliefs at 40 bits per second. The the subconscious mind processes thoughts, feelings and beliefs at the rate of 40 million bits per second. When the conscious and subconscious minds have similar thoughts, feelings and beliefs, then the two work together in powerful synergy. If there is disagreement between the two minds, the subconscious mind takes charge. We believe that the real secret to change the subconscious thoughts, feelings and mistaken core beliefs that cancel out what the conscious mind wants and prevent us from attracting what we say we want. The unconscious mind contains the wants, feelings, and beliefs that we hold about ourselves, about other people and about the world around us. This information module is known as the internal working model of reality, which developmentally is formed by the age of three.
The Internal Working Model of Reality
The IMR typically contains:
- Early developmental traumas caused by an inability of our parents to meet our emotional needs, and help us complete the two main developmental processes of early childhood: secure bonding and the development of a separate sense of Self.
- Unmet developmental needs from childhood show up in our closest adult relationships, such as a need for unconditional love and acceptance for who we are.
- Mistaken beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world around us that direct our behavior. Some examples of these beliefs are, “I am unlovable,” “I have to do what others want me to in order to earn their love,” and I must protect myself in close relationships so I won’t get hurt again.”
- Intergenerational family patterns and relational dynamics from our family of origin that show up in our adult relationships.
Accessing the Unknown
Looking back at our childhood can be problematic, because the brain doesn’t store narrative memory until about age four. Prior to that, everything is stored as images and body memory. So we developed a writing tool, The Two Lists, to access the unconscious mind and the IMR. This tool involves looking back at your childhood and making two lists. The first list, What I Wanted That I Didn’t Get, contains all the things that you wish had gotten as a child– things you wish your parents had said to you or done for you as a child. If you’d gotten these things, it would have made your adult life easier and happier. The second list, What I Got That I Didn’t Want, asks you to look back at your childhood from a different perspective. This list contains all the things that were said and done to you as a child that were hurtful and harmful, and prevents you from getting what you want and need in your adult relationships. Each list represents a different type of developmental trauma and contains different kinds of unmet needs and mistaken beliefs. List #1 relates to trauma during the codependent or bonding stage of development. The type of relational and addictive issues you struggle with indicate how old you were when you experienced this trauma, and what needs you are still trying to get met in your adult relationships. List #2 relates to trauma during the counter dependent or separation stage of development. The type of relational and addictive issues you struggle with indicate how old you were when you experienced this trauma, and what needs you are still trying to get met in your adult relationships.
The Secret of Divine Relationships
The information in these two lists show the “developmental baggage” that you bring to your adult relationships. Once you are clear about what’s trying to be healed, you can work on it consciously in a committed relationship. This, we believe, is the Secret of Divine Relationships!