We believe that conscious, committed relationships are the best way to experience personal growth and transformation. Personal growth happens naturally when partners help each other heal the wounds they brought to the relationship from their family of origin. Our approach to personal growth emphasizes “inner work,” because each person ultimately must look inward in order to grow personally.
Self-Reflection and Self-Correction
The inner journey of personal growth involves learning skills in self-reflection and self-correction. It requires looking at:
- your codependent and counter-dependent behaviors;
- learning how to resolve your relationship conflicts;
- working cooperatively to break your patterns of addiction, dysfunction and victim consciousness;
- healing your developmental traumas;
- changing your twisted beliefs;
- and protecting yourself from con artists.
Tools From Our LOVE-atory
Our many “LOVE-atory-tested” tools are designed to support your personal growth, health and self-reflection. Our books are full of these tools. We’ve found self-improvement to be a lifetime venture. We say to people who ask, “You’ll know you are done when they throw dirt in your face.”
Personal growth is like eating an elephant: one bite at a time and don’t bite off more than you can chew. Another bit of advice is “Start as early in life as possible.” Our problems and issues don’t get better with age, and the longer you wait to address them, the longer it takes to clear them.
When you become aware that some aspect of your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual “bodies” are crying out for attention in some way, act quickly to address the problem or issue.
How Long Will It Take?
People who come for therapy usually ask us, “How long will this take?” We can take up to one month for every year that you have had the problem. So if you are 48 when you decide to seriously work on freeing yourself from any twisted beliefs, healing your developmental traumas, changing your family patterns, stopping your co-dependent behaviors, it can take up to 48 months to consider yourself past that hurdle.
We found that it is possible to speed up this process by:
- asking your partner or closest friend for support
- reading books & attend workshops on your issue,
- devoting time to working alone on your personal problem,
- joining a support group or therapy group to get support for clearing an issue.
Healing Relational Wounds
Based on our own experiences, we believe that the best place to heal your wounds are in your intimate relationships. Most of your wounding happened in the intimate relationships with your parents, siblings or other adults when you were a child. So committed adult relationships are a great place to heal these wounds.
How Healing Happens
We’ve discovered that modifying your relational template and the early childhood wounding in it requires being aware of two things. First, is understanding what you should have gotten as a child that you needed. The second is learning what you got that you didn’t need. Few people know what an optimal parenting looks like, so they often blame themselves for their problems. Or make excuses for harmful parenting practices.
Once you understand what you missed in your development, you must give back (for-give) the harmful things that you didn’t need. Then you must examine how your family-of- origin experiences have contributed to your present-day problems and issues. We can’t emphasize enough the importance of connecting the dots between past trauma and present-day problems.