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Betrayal and the Path of the Heart

Betrayal and the Path of the Heart by Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D, Licensed Psychologist and Janae B. Weinhold, Ph.D., LPC

This book is about betrayal—the breaking of primal trust, the loss of childhood innocence, and separation. It became an issue for us when we recognized that betrayal trauma from our early childhood affected our ability to sustain intimacy. So we put “betrayal” into our LOVE-a-tory and really studied it.  And then we wrote this short, practical book to share with you what we learned in this sometimes painful, but freeing process.

Listen here to Barry and Janae’s podcast interview from Dr. Terri Orbuch, The Love Dr. about their book!

TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION – Defines betrayals and includes examples of the major betrayals of the authors.
CHAPTER ONE: BETRAYAL AND THE PATH OF THE HEART – This chapter describes what constitutes betrayal trauma, the developmental sources of adult betrayals and role of betrayals in adult relationships; It also contains a Self-Quiz to identify how much betrayal you suffered as a child.
CHAPTER TWO: EARLY CHILDHOOD BETRAYALS -This chapter defines the two different kinds of childhood betrayals and contains a Self-Quiz to help the reader identify any childhood traumas related to betrayals.
CHAPTER THREE: CHILDHOOD SEXUAL BETRAYALS AS SOUL WOUNDS – This chapter describes childhood betrayal as soul wounds, looks at sexual abuse as a form of betrayal and discusses the sexually addicted society and how it condones sexual betrayals.
CHAPTER FOUR: BETRAYALS IN COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS- This chapter describes the various kinds of betrayals that occur in adult relationships.
CHAPTER FIVE: COLLECTIVE BETRAYALS – This chapter looks at the collective causes and effects of collective betrayals that exist in politics and religions.
CHAPTER SIX: UNDERSTANDING THE LONG-TERM EFFECT OF CHILDHOOD BETRAYALS – This chapter looks at the long-term effects of childhood betrayals and what it takes to heal these soul wounds.
CHAPTER SEVEN: HOW BETRAYAL TRAUMA CAN DISRUPT YOUR LIFE -This chapter describes the ways that betrayal trauma can disrupt your life This include the result of the ACE studies that links childhood trauma with adult physical and mental health problems.
CHAPTER EIGHT: TOOLS FOR HEALING BETRAYAL TRAUMA -Here we describe the effective tools you need to heal your betrayal traumas. This includes ways to locate your betrayals and understand the long-term effects they have had on your life
CHAPTER NINE: HEALING BETRAYALS AS THE PATH TO INDIVIDUATION – Here we show how healing your betrayal traumas can move you on the path to individuation. This includes the steps you need to take to complete this process as an adult in a relationship.
CHAPTER TEN: HEALING COLLECTIVE BETRAYALS – The lsat chapter suggests effective ways to help any betrayal trauma that comes from collective sources like our government or your religion.

Twisted Beliefs: Distorting The Lines Between Fantasy and Reality

Twisted Beliefs: Distorting The Lines Between Fantasy and Reality by Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D, Licensed Psychologist

Twisted Beliefs: Distorting The Lines Between Fantasy and Reality is the first book in a series of four books titled the Twisted Beliefs Series. This first book is about the power of your personal and collective beliefs to control and distort your life and relationships. Most people form their core beliefs before the age of 10 and they persist into adulthood, unless we examine them and change them. If your beliefs are twisted in any way, they can lead you to make poor decisions and engage in self-defeating behaviors.

You need to know under what circumstances you formed your beliefs, what caused them to possibly become twisted or distorted, and how you can change any beliefs that no longer serve you. These are beliefs you hold about who you are and what motivates you, who all those other people are and what motivates them and how the world works. This includes your religious, political and social beliefs. They are what is behind all the ways you use to get your needs met, for better or worse.

If your behaviors turn out to be self-defeating or do not get you what you want or need, in order to change the outcome. You will have to examine your beliefs and change those beliefs that you find are causing your self-defeating or dysfunctional behaviors. Most people do not connect their behaviors to their beliefs. So if their behaviors are self-defeating or don’t result in them getting their needs met, most people just try harder to get their behaviors to produce better results.

This strategy rarely works because every twisted or distorted belief produces a distorted and self-defeating behavior. This only leads to more frustration and perhaps a confirmation of a deep-seated fundamental twisted belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Below are some common self-defeating and destructive behaviors and the possible underlying twisted beliefs that drive these behaviors:

  1. Repeatedly picking a relationship or marriage partners that end up with you getting abused and then going back to the same person or similar people over and over again for the same abuse.
  • I hate myself.
  • There is something wrong with me that I cannot fix.
  • It is too risky to ask others directly to help me get my needs met, I might get rejected.
  • I don’t measure up; I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, etc. to succeed.
  • People take advantage of me.
  • I don’t know why, but everybody always seems to pick on me.
  • I have to avoid conflict at all costs.
  • If I give them enough love, they will love me back.
  1. Voting for the same political candidates repeatedly whose stated agenda is clearly counter to protecting and advancing your needs.
  • Other people are much smarter than I am, therefore I need to listen to what they tell me to do.
  • I trust that politicians will do what they say they will do.
  • You just have to be lucky or know somebody in order to get ahead.
  • I don’t measure up; I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, etc. to succeed.
  • The richest and most successful in our society are the fittest to survive and therefore are the ones who should be allowed to make decisions for others.
  1. Living far beyond your means, believing there will never be a time you will have to pay for anything.
  • I am so much smarter than everybody, so I don’t have to listen to anything others tell me.
  • You just have to be lucky or know somebody in order to get ahead.
  • When I became an adult, I left behind me all the bad things that happened to me when I was a child.
  • The richest and most successful in our society are the fittest to survive and therefore should make the best decisions for others.
  • You have to beat others to the punch in order to get ahead.
  • If you don’t get them first, they will get you instead.
  1. Never letting others really get to know you and putting up barriers to intimacy in relationships.
  • I have to avoid conflict at all costs.
  • If people really got to know me they would reject me.
  • When I became an adult, I left behind me all the bad things that happened to me when I was a child.
  • I have to tell others what I think they want to hear or they will reject me.
  • I am so much smarter than everybody else that I don’t have to listen to anything others tell me.
  • Deep down I hate myself
  • People are lazy and stupid and are motivated solely by fear.
  1. Repeating the same mistakes over and over in your life without knowing how to change your actions.
  • I can’t ask directly for help from other in getting my needs me, I might get rejected.
  • I don’t measure up; I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, etc. to succeed.
  • Other people know more than I do and therefore I have to do what they tell to do.
  • I am just unlucky; others get all the breaks and I never do.
  • People take advantage of me.
  • Deep down I hate myself.
  • There is something wrong with me that I cannot fix.
  1. Acting like you are smarter than everybody else and therefore always trying to manipulate and trick them into giving you things that you want or need.
  • I am so much smarter than everybody else that I don’t have to listen to anything others tell me.
  • The richest and most successful in our society are the fittest to survive and therefore are the ones who should be allowed to make decisions for others.
  • You have to beat others to the punch in order to get ahead.
  • If you don’t get them first, they will get you instead.
  • When I became an adult, I left behind me all the bad things that happened to me when I was a child.
  • People are lazy and stupid and are motivated solely by fear.

These are powerful beliefs that can get you in a lot of trouble. The problem is that if you do not know that the source of your troubles is some twisted belief, you can’t change your behaviors. You get caught in the tangled web of twisted beliefs and self-defeating behaviors. You may also hang around other people who hold similar twisted beliefs, so you may conclude that this is the only way to think about yourself, other people and the world around you. Even though you see others doing similar self-defeating things, you also may believe that “misery loves company” and you are content to just suffer along with them.

Table Of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter One: Premature Hardening Of The Categories

Chapter Two: What Causes Your Beliefs To Get Twisted?

Chapter Three: What Causes Your Beliefs To Get Twisted

Chapter Four: What Causes Beliefs To Get Twisted in Human Predators

Chapter Five: The Role of Hidden Developmental Trauma in Causing Twisted Beliefs

Chapter Six: Healing Developmental Traumas

Chapter Seven: Twisted Consciousness

Chapter Eight: The Beliefs of the Cultural Creatives

Chapter Nine: Twisted Beliefs and The Revival of Social Darwinism

Chapter Ten: How I Healed My Twisted Religious and Spiritual Beliefs

About The Author

Here is some background about my personal and a professional experience that makes me uniquely qualified to write about “Twisted Beliefs.” In 1987, I co-founded the Colorado Institute For Conflict Resolution and Creative Leadership. I wanted to learn as much as I could about how people resolve their conflicts. When we opened our Institute in 1987, we held an International Conference on conflict resolution. We used this gathering of experts to pick their brain. We asked them what worked well and what didn’t and needed more study. They told us that others had developed effective ways of resolving conflicts of wants and needs, but no one had developed effective ways to resolve conflicts of values and beliefs. They also told us that when people express strong feelings during a conflict, they often didn’t know what to do.

We immediately began researching and developing tools for resolving conflicts of values and beliefs or intractable conflicts where strong feelings were involved. I also began using these tools to better understand how I formed my core beliefs and how they impacted my life.

Here are six things I learned from my research about how people form their core beliefs:

  1. Their beliefs are formed early in life, usually before the age of ten.
  2. Core beliefs are often passed from one generation to another unchanged
  3. Most people did not freely choose their beliefs.
  4. Their beliefs often are transmitted to them by seeing or hearing their parents or others holding and behaving according to these beliefs.
  5. There was trauma involved in how these beliefs were taught to them.
  6. Beliefs that people formed in childhood often are carried into adulthood without reexamining them as to their usefulness. People tend to stay with what is “familiar” (family).

This study has led to the publication of these books designed to help readers to better understand the current explosion of twisted beliefs that are causing a distortion of the lines between fantasy and reality. In addition, I share quite a bit about how I learned to identify and change my twisted beliefs. My hope is that this book help you better understand where your beliefs may have originated and how they might have gotten twisted and how you can change them.

Betrayal and the Path of the Heart

Betrayal and the Path of the Heart by Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D, Licensed Psychologist and Janae B. Weinhold, Ph.D., LPC

This book is about betrayal—the breaking of primal trust, the loss of childhood innocence, and separation. It became an issue for us when we recognized that betrayal trauma from our early childhood affected our ability to sustain intimacy. So we put “betrayal” into our LOVE-a-tory and really studied it.  And then we wrote this short, practical book to share with you what we learned in this sometimes painful, but freeing process.

Listen here to Barry and Janae’s podcast interview from Dr. Terri Orbuch, The Love Dr. about their book!

Click here to buy this book!

TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION – Defines betrayals and includes examples of the major betrayals of the authors.
CHAPTER ONE: BETRAYAL AND THE PATH OF THE HEART – This chapter describes what constitutes betrayal trauma, the developmental sources of adult betrayals and role of betrayals in adult relationships; It also contains a Self-Quiz to identify how much betrayal you suffered as a child.
CHAPTER TWO: EARLY CHILDHOOD BETRAYALS -This chapter defines the two different kinds of childhood betrayals and contains a Self-Quiz to help the reader identify any childhood traumas related to betrayals.
CHAPTER THREE: CHILDHOOD SEXUAL BETRAYALS AS SOUL WOUNDS – This chapter describes childhood betrayal as soul wounds, looks at sexual abuse as a form of betrayal and discusses the sexually addicted society and how it condones sexual betrayals.
CHAPTER FOUR: BETRAYALS IN COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS- This chapter describes the various kinds of betrayals that occur in adult relationships.
CHAPTER FIVE: COLLECTIVE BETRAYALS – This chapter looks at the collective causes and effects of collective betrayals that exist in politics and religions.
CHAPTER SIX: UNDERSTANDING THE LONG-TERM EFFECT OF CHILDHOOD BETRAYALS – This chapter looks at the long-term effects of childhood betrayals and what it takes to heal these soul wounds.
CHAPTER SEVEN: HOW BETRAYAL TRAUMA CAN DISRUPT YOUR LIFE -This chapter describes the ways that betrayal trauma can disrupt your life This include the result of the ACE studies that links childhood trauma with adult physical and mental health problems.
CHAPTER EIGHT: TOOLS FOR HEALING BETRAYAL TRAUMA -Here we describe the effective tools you need to heal your betrayal traumas. This includes ways to locate your betrayals and understand the long-term effects they have had on your life
CHAPTER NINE: HEALING BETRAYALS AS THE PATH TO INDIVIDUATION – Here we show how healing your betrayal traumas can move you on the path to individuation. This includes the steps you need to take to complete this process as an adult in a relationship.
CHAPTER TEN: HEALING COLLECTIVE BETRAYALS – The lsat chapter suggests effective ways to help any betrayal trauma that comes from collective sources like our government or your religion.

The Servant Leader: What the World Needs Now

The Servant Leader Book Looks at the Future

Servant Leader front coverThe Servant Leader book presents a radically new approach to leadership at all levels. Drawing on ancient principles first proposed by Lao Tsu, a sixth century B.C. Chinese philosopher, the author presents a new, and refreshing look at what a future world might look like if we had more servant leaders at all levels.

The servant leader doesn’t lead by being in front of people or even behind them. The servant leader leads from within. This book shows those interested in being a servant leader how to work on themselves in order to be effective servant leaders. Anybody can be a servant leader: a dedicated father or mother who make raising their children a top priority; a volunteer who works at a non-profit or church; a business man or women who truly believes serving the customer is good business; an elected official who refuses to take PAC money to get elected. These are a few examples of where a servant leader could help change the world.

The book describes the characteristics of a servant leader and the optimal personal development of this kind of leader. The key to the self-development of the servant leader is his/her ability to create a fully individuated Self. In addition, servant leaders need to integrate both the masculine and feminine sides of their personality. These personal achievements will enable them to truly serve others, without the interference of ego or other manipulations.

The current Presidential Campaign provides a contrast in leadership to that of a servant leader. The author uses examples of policies and statements of these candidates, to illustrate that none of them meet the criteria for a servant leader.

The Servant Leader As A Social Activist

The servant leader is equipped to be a new kind of social activist, who can help overcome the obstacles to a better world. Unlike the social activists of the 60’s and 70’s, the modern servant leader, because of his/her inner focus, leads in a very different way. To become a more effective social activist, the servant leader must first overcome any internal personal and psychological obstacles that would prevent him/her from being effective. Armed with a solid personal/psychological foundation, the servant leader can then address the social, cultural, economic, political, religious, and educational obstacles to creating a better world.

The servant leader needs to change any mistaken beliefs about themselves, other people and the world around them. This includes breaking free of the Matrix beliefs that keep him/her trapped. In addition, the servant leader needs to heal any hidden developmental traumas from childhood, learn how to resolve conflicts effectively and identify any family or cultural patterns of behavior that could undermine his/her effectiveness.

The book is organized by first presenting an overview of servant leadership; what it is and what it isn’t. Then the book describes the optimal personal development of a servant leader. This is followed by a description of some of the various obstacles to overcome. After each chapter that describes obstacles, there is a chapter offering strategies for the servant leader to use as an agent of change to overcome these obstacles.

Chapter Fourteen focuses on how to become a servant leader. Chapter Fifteen, the last chapter, focuses on what the world might look like if we had more effective servant leaders change agents at all levels.

The Essential Qualities of A Servant Leader

  • Being Self-Reflective
  • Using Self-Correction Skills
  • Employing Good Listening Skills
  • Having Empathy
  • Healing of Self and Others
  • Being Aware
  • Being Persuasive
  • Utilizing Conceptualization Skills
  • Displaying Foresight
  • Having Stewardship
  • Committing to the Growth of People
  • Giving and Receiving Unconditional Love
  • Using Restorative Justice Discipline Methods
  • Building Community

 Self-Quiz: Are You Ready To Become a Servant Leader?

Directions: Place the number in front of each item that best represents your experience with that item. Key: 1 = Not at all; 2 = Occasionally true; 3 = Usually true; 4 = Most of the Time.

__1. I enjoy meeting new people.
__2. I know things without having to figure them out.
__3. I find watching television or most of the mainstream media,  including newspapers a waste of time.
__4. Stating something that I know is a lie is impossible for me.
__5. I root for the underdog, those without voices, and those who have been  trapped by the Matrix.
__6. I pick up on others symptoms or pain and feel them in myself.
__7. I get tired of taking on other people’s emotions.
__8. I turn to drugs or alcohol to try to block myself from feeling the pain of others.
__9. I am interested in becoming a healer.
__10. I see future possibilities before others do.
__11. I require more solitude than others do.
__12. I am a creative person.
__13. I get easily bored but I am quite good at entertaining myself.
__14. I have a difficult time doing things that I don’t really enjoy.
__15. I enjoy bringing the truth to light.
__16. I have trouble keeping track of time and I can get lost in what I am doing.
__17. I hate routine.
__18. I disagree with those in authority.
__19. I am kind to others.
__20. I do not enjoy being with people who are obsessed with themselves.
__21. I eat vegan or vegetarian food.
__22. I wear my emotions of my sleeve and have a hard time pretending to be happy, if I am not feeling that way.
__23. I enjoy helping others to bring out their unique gifts.
__24. I regard spirituality as an important part of my life.
__25. I place my psychological well-being on the same plane as my physical well-being.
__26. I volunteer for one or more good causes.
__27. I love nature and spend time and energy trying to take care of  my environment.
__28. I am more optimistic about my future and distrust cynical and pessimistic views of the future.
__29. I want to be involved in creating new and better ways of living for other people in the world.
__30. I can see how what happened to me as a child has affected my adult life.
____ Total Score

Interpretation of Scores:

30-60 – Very few servant leader qualities present.
61- 90 – Good servant leader potential.
91-120 – You are already there. Congratulations.

What Readers Are Saying About This Book

 “This book not only inspired me to look for the servant leaders in my community but also inspired me to look for the servant leader within myself.   I felt changed by reading this book… as if I somehow chose to step into a more powerful part of myself just by reading it.” Elaine K. Wolf, MC/LPC/PhD candidate & author

 “Trump is talking about implementing “extreme vetting” to make sure incoming immigrants share our values. If we used the values outlined in this book, Trump and most other politicians would not make it in the country, let alone be qualified as leaders. Barry’s nine-point definition of what a servant leader is should be what we base our values and votes upon. It would be a very different world, especially, if applied to other countries as well.”  Michael Holtby, LCSW, BCD

“As we move closer into the transition from leaders of the masses into shared leadership, we need a resource for taking responsibility for leading with love, compassion and empathy. Barry Weinhold’s book, “The Servant Leader” is the resource that we’ve been waiting for.” Sharon River Hansen, MA LPC

“As I continue to develop as a leader – and struggle to recognize my own long-standing limitations – Dr. Weinhold has shown me a path and process that can work in my life now. The Servant Leader is both an inspiration for me to grow beyond my own selfish agenda, as well as a practical toolkit to put this into action. And in the leadership programs I facilitate for Fortune 500 companies, I regularly witness the struggles to reach the Stage Three and Stage Four development that Barry describes – within the individuals and within their company culture.” Bob Berry, Director and Author, ItsTheUsers.com and the Youth Life Excellence Virtual Academy

“The Servant Leader book was a tolling of a bell.  I had heard the call many years ago and tried to apply its principles in specific areas of my life.  Barry’s book has deepened my understanding of a Servant Leader and has given me additional tools as I feel an urgency to live it more fully.” Molly Dooley, LCPC Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

“This book is a manual in how to become and raise an excellent servant leader. By following the steps in this book people can overcome years of negative patterns within their own lives and be ready to lead themselves and others to greatness. Many theories of leadership can be glorified carrot vs. whip strategies. This book, however, brings focus to the difficult but rewarding work of changing the core issues within a leader to help him/her stop negative, self-serving patterns and intuitively know how to inspire those he/she is leading. If you want to become a leader that is remembered for greatness then do the work in this book!” Larry Alwine, MA

“During these environmentally and politically chaotic days, who among us, at some point, hasn’t shaken our fist demanding, “C’mon, we certainly can do better than this!”  I find relief in this just-in-the nick-of-time book that spells out, “Yes, in order to survive-we must! And here’s what, who, and how we can answer that call.” Molly Lord, MA, Director, Tuned-In Productions

“An encouraging road map to our best selves, our best world. A clear map, complete with check points, wisdom and directions to assist the servant leader along the way. Finally, here is a voice that clarifies the dire situation that the immature human has put us all in. If you have the courage to do the work, Dr. Weinhold has illuminated the path to the solution. The Servant Leader book smartly weaves the perspectives of science, psychology and sociology presenting us with a rope to use to either hang ourselves or climb out of the abyss.” Jim Wooden,/Director, The Art of Creativity Productions, Santa Monica, CA

“As a public servant I found this book to be not only inspiring but also an invaluable road map to both life and leadership.  I now feel I am armed with the knowledge and wisdom one needs to truly be a servant leader in this Me, Me, Me world in which we live.” Ryan Bouton, GIS Analyst, City of Colorado Springs

Click here to buy this book.

How Do Hidden Developmental Traumas Affect Adult Health?

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Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D. stressed baby

Have you wondered how do hidden developmental traumas affect adult health? You will need to read this blog. In 1995, Kaiser Permanente surveyed 17,000 adults from Southern California where they found significant correlations between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and adult physical health problems. They found that the more ACEs you had, the greater risk you of you getting cancer, heart disease, diabetes, strokes and depression.

Since then, there have been over 65 other studies on the long-term effects of ACEs on adult physical health, mostly yielding similar results. Below are the results of a few of those studies:

In March 2015, a new study was published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine on the effects of ACEs on the physical health of adults. They randomly selected adults from ten states and D.C. and interviewed them via a telephone survey using most of the same questions that were asked in the 1995 study. The questions covered nine possible ACEs, including physical, sexual and emotional abuse, household member mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse, imprisonment, divorce and intimate partner violence.

When compared to those who reported no ACE exposure during childhood, those adults who reported one to three, four to six or seven to nine ACEs, had an increased risk of heart attacks, asthma, fair/poor health, frequent mental distress, and disabilities. For example, the odds of having coronary heart disease and stroke as adults were found to be significantly higher for those who reported four to six and seven to nine ACEs. The odds of getting diabetes where significantly higher for those reporting even only one to three and four to six ACEs.

Another study, published in 2014, conducted phone interviews with adults about ACEs. More than half (57%) reported at least one ACE and 23% reported disability as adults. Again, they found a significant relationship between the number of ACEs reported and the serious adult health problems listed above.

Another study, published in 2013, used the same instrument to do a telephone survey of adults in five different states. They found that the number of ACEs was significantly related to insufficient sleep in adults.

Making Sense of Your Childhood

The integrative approach of Dr. Dan Siegel and others indicates that the most effective way to help adults who experienced adverse childhood experiences is for them to make sense of their early childhood experiences. The process connecting the dots between adverse childhood experiences and the problems people are having in their relationships and their health is quite profound. It  helps to integrate not only the left and right hemispheres of the brain, but also the two hemispheres. This rewiring the circuitry of one’s brain helps to heal the impact of early childhood traumas.  Our clinical research indicates that many people either forget about these ACEs, or they create stories to “normalize” them.

Our experiences in helping people connect the dots between childhood trauma and adult  physical and mental health issues showed that many of their hidden traumas were the result of neglect not abuse. This adverse childhood experience was not researched in these studies and is even more difficult to identify and heal.

This 15 minute video below gives an excellent overview of trauma, and shows how stress and trauma cause chronic pain, anxiety, depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

We’ve created the Freaked Out 101 online course to help people connect the dots hidden developmental traumas and physical health problem in adulthood. It includes six self-assessment instruments to help you learn more about the kinds of adverse childhood experiences that might be problematic for you.  Given the correlation between childhood trauma, this course could save your life!

Here’s the link to information about the Freaked Out 101 online course.

Premature Hardening of The Categories

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By Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D.

Many people hold twisted beliefs that cause them to suffer from premature hardening of the categories. Below is a list of common twisted beliefs that many smart people hold about themselves, other people and the world around them. These twisted beliefs cause them to suffer from what I call ”premature hardening of the categories.”

This condition is seen in people whose actions are driven by rigid beliefs. They tend to use black/white, either/or thinking when making decisions or choices. They have trouble seeing the “gray” options or the third choice that contains some of each of the other two choices. This causes them to repeat self-defeating behaviors. Instead of looking for the “premature hardening of the categories” of their beliefs they just keep trying harder to do what hasn’t worked previously.

How Twisted Beliefs Produce Self-defeating Actions

These books describe how your twisted beliefs lead to self-defeating actions. The most common strategy people use when their life is not working is to just try harder. It is uncommon for people to look at their beliefs as the reason why things are not working out the way they would like. As a result, they do the same self-defeating things over and over. Perhaps you, like me, have done some of the following:

  • Repeatedly picked a relationship or marriage partner where you end up getting abused, and then you either go back to this relationship or you pick someone else who abuses you.
  • Repeatedly voted for the same political candidates whose stated agenda clearly does not protect or advance your needs and interests.
  • Lived beyond your means, believing there will never be a time you will have to pay for anything.
  • Erected barriers in your intimate relationships to keep others from really getting to know you so you would not get hurt.
  • Repeated the same self-defeating behaviors over and over in your life without knowing why or how to change them.
  • Thought you were smarter than everybody else and you used your intelligence to manipulate and trick others into giving you what you wanted or needed.
  • Acted weak and helpless so that others would take care of you.
  • Stayed with the same dead-end job that you hated.
  • Picked friends who continually took advantage of you in a variety of ways.

If you see any of these self-defeating patterns in your life, you will need to read the Twisted Beliefs books to learn new beliefs that support more successful activities. The first book in this series is available from Amazon/Kindle at $2.99.Twisted.Beliefs.01.ebook.cover.sm

Con Job: How To Break Free of Con Artists, Sociopaths & Predators

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NOW AVAILABLE! All three ebooks consolidated into a paperback version

How To Break Free of Con Artists, Sociopaths & Predators

ConJob05

The three-part Con Job ebook series has been so popular that we’ve made it available in a print version that consolidates all three ebooks into one 213 page print book.  If you’re one of those people who collects books, likes the smell and feel of paper, and print is the only medium that will satisfy you, this is for you!

This version You can leave laying in plain sight where the problem people in your life can see it’s message, and sneak peeks at it when you’re not around. This book makes a great self-defense tool for warning predatory people that you are on to them!

This book contains the story of the author on how she broke free from Con Artists in her life. It is inspiring for any reader who is trying the break free of Con Artists, Sociopaths and Predators. There are many practical ideas in this book that will help readers break free from these people in their lives. This a must read for anyone who suspects that people in their lives are trying to manipulate them and “con”them.

Click here to get the book!

 

 

 

 

Discipline and Limit Setting for Children

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toddler cryingJanae B. Weinhold, Ph.D. 

The biggest daily challenge in parenting is discipline and setting limits for children. Most children challenge their parents by testing the limits over and over.

The second biggest challenge is enduring children’s upsets when faced with the consequences, physical and social limits that their parents give them. These and the natural limits they face everyday frustrate children, particularly toddlers. When they are having a love affair with the world, they want to see how far they can push their passion for exploring.

Toddlerhood Marks the Shift in Parenting Focus

During infancy and the codependent stage of development, parents’ focus on meeting their child’s needs in a timely way, attuning with them, creating a strong emotional connection and bonding deeply. The child sees lots of smiling faces, experiences regular approval, hears a lot of “cooing,” and the tone of the parent-child interactions is sort of “blissy” and wonderful. As soon as the child becomes mobile, able to creep and crawl, the entire focus changes.

Physical mobility gives children independence and self-direction. As children increasingly fall in love with the world and exploring, parents must increasingly set limits. At first, they are gentle limits, putting the creeping child back on the blanket and removing dangerous objects within reach. The more mobile the child becomes, the more drastic the physical limits become.

Suddenly the child hears the word “no” and sees frowns on mom and dad’s faces. This marks the shift in parenting roles from one of “unlimited love” to “love with limits.” This shift happens gradually, and often neither the parents or the child realize that they’ve just moved from the codependent stage to the counterdependent stage of development.

The emotional aspects of this shift are very important. Unfortunately, most parents don’t typically grasp how they must suddenly change their parenting attitude from “you can do no wrong” to “these behaviors are good” and “these behaviors are bad.” Bonded children often have strong wills and an inner confidence that keeps them pushing the limits and testing them over and over.

Now parents can either see this assertive behavior as a good sign, indicating their child is moving towards healthy independence. Or they can see it as a bad sign–a challenge to their authority and as oppositional, defiant and disrespectful. It’s the parents who assign the “good/bad” labels to the child’s behavior. For the child, there is just going, doing and being! The world is suddenly a great place that needs to be explored–touched, smelled, tasted and discovered!

Parents’ Challenges in Discipline and Limit Setting for Chidren

Parents really need help in making the mental and emotional shift from being a “giver” to being a “protector.” Once they understand this developmental shift, they can celebrate it, which helps them adjust their attitude and reactions about their new role.

toddler with toilet paper

Toddler Experiencing Personal Power

At the same time the child is physically moving away from the parents, he or she is also going through a parallel psychological and emotional separation. Toddlers learn to use NO to their own advantage, also setting limits with their parents on how much they can direct and control their behavior.

Toddlers find their areas of “personal power:” eating and food preferences, sleep patterns and toilet training. Without any warning, parents can suddenly find themselves in power struggles that they can’t win.

A word of parenting advice adapted from my country background, “Never get in pissing contests with skunks and 2-year olds.” This is the period of time when parents learn the first subtleties of “reverse psychology” and other carefully crafted behavior management tools.

The best way around power struggles is to give the child choices–not big ones, but small ones that allow the adults to retain larger control and the child to feel respected and honored. For example, at bedtime, “Do you want to wear your balloon or your Mickey Mouse jammies?” “Do you want to read the train book or the book about the bunnies? There isn’t any discussion about IF the child is going to bed.

The BIG Psychological Event in Toddlerhood

Toddlers are naturally self-centered and narcissistic. It is a phase that they must go through. In this period of development, they all show signs of entitlement, euphoria, grandiosity and omnipotence. These “bigger than life” behaviors help children develop a sense of Self. The challenge is turning “rough diamond” toddlers into polished, shining humans by the time they are three years old. The tool that makes this behavioral transformation happen is limits and limit-setting.

Setting and enforcing behavioral limits gradually deflates toddlers’ natural narcissistic urges. It is important for adult caregivers to set these limits with compassion, understanding, and empathy, because they typically activate strong feelings of frustration, anger, guilt, and shame in children.

The goal for adults is to stay “dispassionate.” State what children are feeling, while continuing to move the child forward and through a power struggle situation. For example, a child find the tv remote and begins playing with it. So the adult caregiver can either get into a struggle or use a different strategy. He might begin by picking up another attractive toy or object and offering it to the child as a substitute. If the child persists in keeping the remote, then the adult can offer to use the remote to turn on the tv to watch a show.

If the child still refuses to give up the remote and goes into “meltdown/tantrum” mode, then the adult must go into high “dispassion” mode. At this point, the adult has retrieved the remote and the child is wailing and flailing. Here the adult must reflect the child’s inner experience. “I see how angry you are. I know you wanted to play with the remote, that you like pushing the buttons. The remote isn’t a toy and is only for big people to use. I’m sorry I left it out, I should have put it away. It’s okay for you to be angry when you don’t get what you want. When you are finished being angry, let me know. I’d like to read you the story about the little girl and the birds.” The the adult sits and waits patiently for the child to get through the emotions, and shows he is ready to read to the child.

Children often have meltdowns or challenge an adult when their feelings aren’t acknowledged. When adults are able to empathize with children, it dissolves the emotional charge. These intense moments can also be a time to teach children the name of an emotion and how to appropriately express it. Both the adult and the child can grow from these kinds of experiences.

How to Provide Children With Firm, Clear Limits

Finding the fine line between “spoiling/indulging” and “dominating/shaming” is a very delicate dance. Walking this fine line doesn’t come naturally to most parents, because they likely were either indulged or dominated, maybe even both. And toddlers’ defiant responses to their parenting limits will absolutely stir parents’ own unresolved separation issues.

Parents often are horrified when they hear themselves saying the same shaming/humiliating/dominating things to their children that their parents said to them. This is often the first awareness of the “family patterns” phenomenon.

Toddlers need the assistance of attentive, sensitive, and understanding parents or adult caregivers to help them learn how to regulate these emotions, which are an integral part of the separation stage. It is important for parents and other adult caregivers to help children re-regulate their emotions and repair any mis-attunements left from the bonding stage. This is evident when toddlers suddenly revert to “baby mode” and want to be held and cuddled.

Toddlers are naturally ambivalent and oppositional in this stage of development, so adults must be both consistently loving and consistently firm to help them navigate this bumpy journey more easily. The most effective way to help toddlers regulate their emotions during this stage is for adults to keep their cool and not split or get triggered.

Having been through this stage with our children and grand- children, we understand the challenge behind these words and offer it as an ideal to work towards. The presence of calm adults also helps toddlers create healthy internal models of their adult caregivers.

If toddlers fall down and get an “owie,” they trust they can return to the soothing comfort of an adult’s lap and calm down. Then they quickly slide off the lap and return to exploring their world. Wilting and fatigued toddlers are also able to instantly recharge during this emotional refueling stop and return only when another limit deflates their narcissistic urges.

BIRTH, PRE- AND PERINATAL PSYCHOLOGY

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Thomas VernyThe ground-breaking research in birth and pre-and perinatal development began with Thomas Verny’s (1981) book, The Secret Life of the Unborn Child. He was the first to summarize all the relevant research in this field. The publication of his book was a catalyst for founding the Association for Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Allied Health. This organization continues to collect and disseminate new research findings in this area.

David ChamberlainDavid Chamberlain, another pioneer in the field of pre- and perinatal development, has written several ground-breaking books in this field. Babies Remember Birth: And Other Extraordinary Scientific Discoveries About the Mind And Personality of Your Newborn, The Mind of Your Newborn, and his newly released Windows to the Womb: Revealing the Conscious Baby from Conception to Birth. For more information about him and his work, you can visit his website.

The Importance of the Pre- and Perinatal Period of Development

One of the important findings from the research on pre- and perinatal development is the significance of the pre- and perinatal period. The research clearly shows that this period lays the foundation for a person’s internal working model of reality, particularly beliefs about themselves and their place in the family and larger world.

Developmental trauma during this period begins shaping children’s brains and their relationship with their parents and the world. We’ve found this very early trauma is a major cause of intractable conflicts in adult relationships.

Research on pre- and perinatal development validates many of the things once considered old wives’ tales, such as the importance of talking, singing, and playing music in energetically attuning with an unborn child. These are now recognized as some of the significant first steps in parent-child attunement.

Sound affects the physical activity of the fetus. In an experiment using ultrasound pictures, the fetus was shown to react to different types of music. From this experiment, researchers found that the largo movements from classical music quieted the fetus. Largo music has about 60 beats per minute, which is about the same as the mother’s resting heartbeat. Music with a faster beat takes the
child out of resonance with the mother’s heartbeat.

Developmental Trauma During Pre- and Perinatal Period

conflict during pregnancyThere are a number of other stressors during pregnancy that affect the biological and psychological attunement between mother and child. Prenatal studies, for example, indicate that conflict between the parents and in the family disturbs the fetus. The secretion of adrenaline in the mother’s blood not only causes stress reactions in the fetus, but can also cause both physical and psychological delays during prenatal development.

Families with little or no conflict and families with significant conflict were studied for five to ten years. These longitudinal studies found significant differences in growth rates, development rates, and psychological problems of the two groups of children. Verny’s research indicates that babies are able to remember everything and are deeply impacted by the events around them. Unfortunately, they are not able to communicate this at the time.

Our breathwork therapy with clients supports this research. Many of them remember exact conversations adults present at their birth had with each other, while others knew what the adults were thinking. After breathwork experiences, several clients were able to verify the accuracy of these birth memories with their parents. This anecdotal information supports other research that newborns are able to tune into the thoughts and feelings of those around them.

Consciously Parenting Children

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Brandon smallConsciously parenting children begins with understanding that they are born totally aware. Rather than being lumps of unmolded clay as once believed, they are acutely sensitive to the world around them. Their highly tuned sensory systems respond energetically to everything they encounter, including experiences involving unconditional love and conflict.

Children instinctively open to receive love energy, and close when they encounter conflict or other disharmonies. This is even true during their prenatal development, as pre- and perinatal psychologists Thomas Verny and David Chamberlain discovered.

Newborns are completely sentientable to feel emotions, to perceive reality, and completely conscious and able to remember experiences. They arrive with the capacity for experiencing their own wholeness and soak up all to which they are exposed.

The challenge as a conscious parent is regarding children as “unfolding flowers” with innate potential, and avoiding impulses to unduly shape the process of their blooming. It is particularly challenging not to pass on distorted intergenerational beliefs and dysfunctional behavior patterns.

Breaking Free of Family Patterns and Distorted Beliefs

BFP #1 cover smallWe believe the most effective way to consciously parent children is by continually asking ourselves why we are doing a certain thing. At the same time, we must assume and accept that many of our parenting motives and behaviors contain both distorted intergenerational beliefs and dysfunctional behavior patterns.

Consciously parenting children sounds rather simple. We know very well that it is not. It has taken us many years of self-reflection and personal work on ourselves to become self-conscious. If you want to parent your children more consciously, a good place to begin is by reading Barry’s Breaking Family Patterns books. They contain numerous self-inventories and assessments about family-of-origin issues. These tools will help you determine how conscious are about how you were parented, and show you where to work on yourself.