intimate coupleIf you are looking for personal growth, we recommend creating conscious, committed intimate relationships.  Personal growth happens naturally when partners work cooperatively to help each other heal the wounds they brought to the relationship from their family of origin. Our approach to personal growth emphasizes “inner work,” because each person ultimately must look inward in order to grow personally.

Self-Reflection and Self-Correction

The inner journey of personal growth involves learning skills in self-reflection and self-correction. It requires looking at:

  • your codependent and counter-dependent behaviors;
  • learning how to resolve your relationship conflicts;
  • working cooperatively to break your patterns of addiction, dysfunction and victim consciousness;
  • healing your developmental traumas;
  • changing your twisted beliefs;
  • and protecting yourself from con artists.

 Tools From Our LOVEatory

Our many “LOVE-atory-tested” tools are designed to support your personal growth, health and self-reflection. Our books are full of these tools. We’ve found self-improvement to be a lifetime venture, and say to people who ask, “You’ll know you are done when they throw dirt in your face.”

How To Eat an ElephantPersonal growth is like eating an elephant: one bite at a time and don’t bite off more than you can chew. Another bit of advice is  “Start as early in life as possible.” Our problems and issues don’t get better with age, and the longer you wait to address them, the longer it takes to clear them.

When you become aware that some aspect of your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual “bodies” are crying out for attention in some way, act quickly to address the problem or issue.

 How Long Will It Take?

People who come for therapy usually ask us, “How long will this take?” We usually say it will take about one month for every year that you have had the problem. So if you are 48 when you decide to seriously work on freeing yourself from any twisted beliefs, healing your developmental traumas, changing your family patterns, stopping your co-dependent behaviors, etc. it will take about 48 months to consider yourself past that hurdle.

It is possible, however, to speed up this process by:

  1. asking your partner or closest friend for support
  2. read books  & attend workshops on your issue,
  3. devote time to working alone on your personal problem,
  4. join a support group that focuses on that personal issue.

 Healing Relational Wounds

Based on our own experiences, we believe that the best place to get support is in your intimate relationships. This is true because most of your wounding happened in the intimate relationships with your parents, siblings or other adults when you were a child. So committed adult relationships are a great place to heal these wounds.

How Healing Happens

We’ve discovered that modifying your relational template and the early childhood wounding in it requires being aware of two things. First, is understanding what you should have gotten as a child that you needed, and what you got that you didn’t need. Few people know what an optimal model of parenting looks like, so they often blame themselves for their problems, or make excuses for harmful parenting practices.

Once you understand what you missed in your development and are able to give back (for-give) the harmful things that you didn’t need, you can really heal. The second thing you need to understand is how your family-of- origin experiences have contributed to your present-day problems and issues. We can’t emphasize enough how important it is to connect the dots between past trauma and present-day problems.

Our books are additional resources to support your personal growth. We recommend the following books:

  • Breaking Family Patterns: How To Identify Your Family Patterns
  • Breaking Family Patterns: How To Change Your Family Patterns
  • The Flight From Intimacy
  • Breaking Free ofThe Codependency Trap

The Flight From Intimacy YouTubes

Janae Weinhold : December 16, 2012 1:17 pm : Counter Dependency, Counter-dependent Stage of Development, Flight from Intimimacy, Inner Work, Intimate Relationships, On Community Relationships, Our Best Advice, Self-Healing, Sustainable Communities, The Flight From Intimacy

The Flight From Intimacy YouTubes identify counterdependency as the result of developmental trauma between the age of 9 and 36 months. This trauma prevents the completion of the “pyschological birth” and a child’s emotional separation from his or her parents.The premise of The Flight From Intimacy is that counterdependency is a set of behaviors that can be changed through inner work, by using effective self-healing tools, through conscious, committed relationships, and through therapy.
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Self-Help Tools For Healing

: December 13, 2012 4:00 pm : Personal Growth, Self-Healing, Your Health

Self-Help Tools From Our “LOVE-atory”

Our many self-help tools for healing grew out of our own self-healing work. We looked at how other couples were coping with relational issues such as codependency and conflict, and couldn’t really find tools that helped us break through and break free of our family-of-origin issues.
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How the False Self Gets Created

: November 27, 2012 9:57 am : Addictions, Codependency, Counter Dependency, Inner Work, Personal Growth, Self-Healing, The False Self

The False Self is an artificial persona that people create very early in life to protect themselves from re-experiencing developmental trauma, shock and stress in close relationships. This False or “public” Self appears polite and well-mannered, and puts on a “show of being real.” Internally, they feel empty, dead or “phoney,” unable to be spontaneous and alive, and to show their True Self in any part of their lives.
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Building Sustainable Relationships

: November 22, 2012 8:44 am : Building Sustainable Relationships, Conflict Resolution: The Partnership Way, Couples Coaching, CR for Couples, Developmental Trauma, Inner Work, Intimate Relationships, Relationship Conflicts, Sustainable Relationships, Training and Webinars

laughing coupleBuilding sustainable relationships requires learning new interpersonal skills, a disciplined commitment and the ability to love unconditionally. There aren’t any magical solutions for building sustainable relationships and lasting love–no quick tricks, fast fixes or fancy maneuvers. We aren’t selling “magical thinking” or magical tools. And the people who are selling this kind of stuff are con artists. We say this not only from our own experiences, each of us now with close to 50 years of married life experiences, but from our 30+ years of counseling hundreds of individuals, couples & families.
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Twisted Beliefs: The Destructive Consequences of Unexamined Religious and Spiritual Beliefs

: November 17, 2012 7:52 pm : Books, Consciousness, E-Books, Evolutionary Shift, Inner Work, The False Self, Twisted Beliefs Series, Victim Consciousness

Twisted religious and spiritual beliefs can have destructive consequences on our lives. Our beliefs, formed in early childhood, are often and can keep us trapped in cycles of victim/persecutor/rescue dynamics.

The message of Christian churches is that you are a sinner, which is reinforced by church doctrine and dogma. So you are condemned for being a sinner. Then you confess your sins, a minister grants you redemption, and you are saved from eternal damnation. This kind of twisted belief structure can keep you stuck in victimhood forever and create what I call “premature hardening of the categories.”
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Personal Growth Retreats

: November 12, 2012 8:01 am : Coaching and Consultation, Couples Coaching, Personal Coaching Sessions & Retreats, Personal Growth, Personal Growth Retreats, Self-Healing

Individual & Couple Retreats


Our “LOVE-atory tested” personal growth retreat model will help you quickly and significantly transform yourself and/or your relationships, particularly if you are struggling with intractable conflicts.

Our intensive, non-diseasing personal growth retreats have helped hundreds of people, who say that they have transformed themselves and their lives. And because we believe in your personal powers of self-healing, our approach in individual and couple retreats is designed to strengthen your ability to direct your own personal and relational growth.
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Developmental Process Work

: November 6, 2012 1:25 pm : Clinical Resources, Developmental Process Work, Developmental Process Work, Developmental Trauma, Developmental Trauma, Healing Developmental Trauma, Healing Developmental Trauma, Inner Work, LOVEvolution and Developmental Systems Theory, Our Approach

Pikes Peak downtownDevelopmental Process Work is a clinical modality that helps people heal experiences of developmental shock, trauma, and stress so that they are able to give conditional love and share it with others. DPW’s ultimate goal is helping people to be deeply intimate with each other, while also psychologically separate and individuated in ways that allow maximum mutual growth.
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Government Panel Reveals the Truth About Cancer Causes

: June 8, 2010 12:31 pm : Your Health

Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D.

I can’t believe they finally told the truth. Last week, the President’s Cancer Panel (PCP), composed of leading cancer researchers and practitioners issued a report titled, Reducing Environmental Cancer Risk: What We Can Do Now, describing the true environmental risks of cancer chemicals. LaSalle Leffall, Jr., M. D., Professor of Surgery at Howard University School of Medicine and Margaret Kripke, Ph.D. Professor Emeritus at the University of Texas Anderson Cancer Center, headed this panel. Their study of existing research literature concluded that to reduce cancer rates, cancer-causing chemicals must be eliminated in foods, water, medicines, personal care products, work and home environments.
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Barry’s False Self

: February 9, 2010 12:58 pm : Inner Work, Self-Healing, The False Self, Your Health

Barry WeinholdMy False Self began to develop in infancy because my parents weren’t emotionally attuned to me and I felt unsafe and overwhelmed. I formed my False Self to please them so that they would take good care of me. When I was a newborn infant and my mother and father were holding me, they looked into my eyes and saw someone who they hoped would fulfill their unmet needs and their unrealized dreams.So this is what I did: I created a False Self to please and placate them. I became who they wanted me to be.
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Janae’s False Self

: February 6, 2010 10:18 am : Inner Work

My developmental story is a classic for understanding how
premature separation from my mother set the stage for developing both a
deflated, co-dependent False Self and an inflated, counter-dependent False
Self. It is fairly common for people to have both, with one being more
predominate depending on the situation. With stronger people, I used my
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